This post is going to be a lot heavier than the stuff I usually write, so if you don't have the mental space to read it right now, or ever, I will not be offended at all. I need to vent and get the thoughts that are in my head out of my head, but they do not need to enter yours if you don't want them to. Trigger warning for this post: end of life stuff.
I start my next round of chemotherapy tonight, and for the past week, I've been really struggling with the decision of whether I wanted to take it at all. I am worried that I'm just prolonging my suffering and I'm going to make myself miserable and sick on the chemotherapy for little gain. I did ultimately decide to take it and will continue doing everything I can to prolong my life. I think I'll be in a better mental space knowing I'm doing everything I can. I take it tonight so wish me luck for the next week or so as I recover from it.
The reason I didn't want to take it is that my difficulty swallowing has come back. I'm scared that I'm going to die dramatically and embarrassingly by choking in public. I mean what do you do when you can't swallow? I've been mostly okay but if it gets worse do I have to drink smoothies for the rest of my life? Do they feed me from a tube? What kind of quality of life is that? I want to eat steaks and sushi. I'm really scared about this symptom. Another reason is my right side numbness has started to cause me some pain in my right leg, but they've got me on T3s so at least I was able to manage that.
I'm still experiencing all of the symptoms I started with including dizziness, double vision, and a rumbling in my ear that now clicks loud enough to startle me awake sometimes. The vision in my right eye is also acting kind of sus sometimes now which is really frustrating.
I'm really hoping when I die I just stop breathing in my sleep because the tumor finally grows that way, but I'm really scared because there are so many different things that could happen. If I had it my way I would know within a few days that I'm for sure going to die, and then I would have them set me up on a ketamine treatment and administer some lethal dose of something. That way I would still be living as much of my life as possible, but I would die as comfortably as possible. I am guessing I'm not going to have it my way though.
I think what's started to make things really hard is having taken a turn for the worse. My most recent MRI showed that the treatment is working to slow the growth of the tumor, so on December 23rd my doctor told me I had about another 3 months, but she was expecting to see my symptoms improve or at least not have gotten any worse. It's hard because before I didn't really feel like I was dying, but now I feel like I am dying and it's hard to go through each day feeling like that.
So yeah if you read this, thanks for giving me the mental space to unload all of this. I feel better having written it all out.
I don’t know if I can be half as brave as you are if facing your situation! wishing you all the best with love. hopefully with the chemo therapy, you can swallow again and have sushi! Have as much sushi as you can! I now live in Massachusetts and I miss sushi in Calgary, they are good and cheaper than here. What’s your favourite sushi?
The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want.
He leads me through green pastures, and walks beside me near still waters.
He restores my soul, and guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me.
Your rod and staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil, my cup runs over.
Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
-Psalm 23
Chelsea, reading this, my heart aches for you. It takes a lot of courage to face what you are facing. You should do whatever helps you in your dark moments -writing, ranting, eating sushi and steak. Hopefully there are also some small moments of joy that come along to savor. Sending you our love.
Chelsea, you are loved by so many. The world is so much brighter with you here and know you will be loved here and beyond. I wish you peace and joy in every moment, knowing the reality is not possible.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and fears. May you and others find solace in your words. I know I am so much better having met you.
Hey Chelsea, thinking of you & wondering how the chemo is going so far. I'm sorry you're having all these terrifying symptoms. My mom recently qualified for palliative care and I learned that unlike in the past, this doesn't mean that they won't actively treat her if she so chooses, but in fact it provides her with access to 24/7 doctors on call as well as a bunch of medications if and when she needs them for symptom relief. Her doctor told me that studies have found that people on palliative care actually tend to live longer than expected. Perhaps they're less anxious of the what-ifs because those palliative doctors can answer every question. We have found it reassuring to…